"Do It Afraid"

So I am starting fresh and starting completely new with this whole blog thing. I use to really be into it back when I was in school, which was like close to 3 years ago, but then, I just let it go and stopped writing. It was very much a shame for me to do something like that because it was such therapy for me. But, it is 2009 (which I can hardly believe), and it is time for me to make some changes and really be purely selfish and DO ME!

It is a completely daunting and scary thing to just step out on faith and take that leap into goodness knows where. I am so happy that I am doing this for myself. I truly deserve to be back in the game like I use to be. I really am so sick of having these dark, oblivious moments. I want to live life freely, liberally, with passion and desire and fervor, that all things and ANY thing can happen...God willing.

It just gets so old when you tell yourself that and that it is all going to be alright when you're not proactive about ish in the first place. That's pretty much how I was. I was just stuck. Yea, s t u c k. And boy did it ever suck! Like, I was literally paralyzed by fear. Trapped in some other kind of realm, trying to piece ish together, but then couldn't really get it all together after all.

Shoot, I just lost my train of thought trying to mess around with some darn button. But anyways, I guess to whoever is reading: Welcome to my world. I have a lot to work on and perhaps you all can track my progress. I really want to see nothing but advancement from here on out. I can be really hard on myself if I truly care about the changes that I want to make. As I have said before, it is a brand new day, a brand new year, and along with that will be a brand new me.

God willing, I am praying that He will continue to guide me and lead me into the right direction. I have a great support of family and friends that will be my sounding board and aid me along my path;  however, for much of this journey, it is all up to me and I plan on getting there one way or another. I forsee high hopes. I forsee great blessings coming along the way. I forsee a change and a difference, but a positive and a happy evolution. Prayfully, everything will work out. In fact, things have already started to work out how they need to.

2008 ended with A LOT of baggage. Some baggage so damaging, devastating, and deteriorating that it ate up my soul. My soul (and life for that matter) deserves so much more. It deserves true happiness and contentment, strength, motivation, faith, wisdom, and more than anything LOVE. But the love of ONESELF. And I don't mean that in any way selfishly. In order to receive love from others (and love in the sense, like true, genuine love), then it has to come from me first. And me, in the sense, that I have to love myself inside and out; emotionally, intimately, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Satan doesn't want to see a God-fearing woman on the up and up; he wants to see us down and out on ourselves. Well, that certainly won't be happening. I'm not gonna be that weak in the soul to let him have my joy.

For all those out there, say a prayer for me and ask the Lord to continue to guide and strengthen me in the way He see fit. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I wouldn't be anywhere if it wasn't for Him and the sacrifice of His Son. I am so truly blessed that God loved me enough to give me another day and another chance at life. This is my time and as I have said before as scary and daunting it may seem, I am going to "Do IT Afraid!"

Time to step the game up and it starts here and now! Stay BLESSED!

Yours Truly,

m

"friends"???

I read somewhere this statement:

Friends should share secrets, dreams, dinners -- but you're probably better off not sharing dates. It always works out fine in the movies, but in real life it will probably just make things unnecessarily complicated.

And I definitely have to disagree. I have had so many negative bouts with "friends" that I don't even know where to begin or end. I am so sick and tired of discovering individuals who are always against me. It's really pathetic and it sucks. I just decided that I need to leave it with God and leave those individuals with God as well. Perhaps, they are in a place in their lives where they are discovering some inner turmoil that is complicating their  life. That is very understandable. Yet I hate it when it seeps out on me.

I have had wonderful friends that have walked into my life and has really been a positive changing experience. I see these individuals as being a part of my life for a great amount of time. As for the others, I guess some people just step in to teach you something and boy have I learned a lesson from each and every one of them. A lot of it has to do with trust, communication, and mere hatred and jealousy. Disgusting. I don't need negativity. All that I try to do is promote happiness, contentment, and positivity, and some people just don't see it, don't want to see or realize it, misconstrue it, or completely jumble it up until it is something negative and inorganic.

I have discovered that my life may be a lonely place not really filled with many individuals, but I came to terms that I don't need many individuals, especially those that aren't really there for me. I have forever given my heart and soul to my friendships and have put myself out on the line, as well as worn my heart on my sleeve, and have had it ripped up, stomped on, and gushed and discarded of any morsel of sentiment and emotion that was remaining. IT hurts. And I have cried. I'm tired of my wasted tears. I'm tired of the fakeness. All that I have ever wanted was genuine realness. And it has only been found in a couple individuals. Aside from them, I count on my family that has been there for me through thick and thin....I love them to death and with immensee passion. However, the number one spot in my soul is the Lord Jesus. He makes everything right. HE knows all.... I leave it up to Him to lead me to the next individual.

Gosh...the things that I do to make myself happy...

I have discovered that there are a lot of little quirky things that I engage in to fulfill this so called bubble of happiness that is actually non-existent in my book. I mean, we have our good days and we definitely have our bad days. Most of the time, when I think about my things that bother me, I get really upset and down on myself because I feel like I can't be that Superwomen and magically make everything that is wrong.....right.

Trust me, there are so many hardships that I am currently struggling with right now that it upsets me. I truly want to be a happy and find solace with myself and my surrounding endeavors...and I mean, become a GENUINELY happy person, but I feel as though something is holding me back from fulfilling that happiness. I feel like the happiness that I am searching for now is fake and unrealistic.

Gosh, if I had those things that made me happy, would I really feel better?? Like, would I honestly feel good with myself?? Or will I still feel empty on the inside??

Well, I guess those rhetorical statements are things that I'm gonna have to figure out on my own. HEY, even if I do have one of these not-so-pleasant days, I know that one day my life will be full of content, happiness, and overflowing with joy. I'm just waiting for it to happen..and until it does, the only thing that I can do is work on improving my current state of mind, so that I can prepare myself for the best..

Like they say: "THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!"